Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Flaws in my System

I’m at my most introspective while talking to my father. On Saturdays before work I’d tentatively knock on the door, waiting for his slumber-ridden answer that would allow me into his room. There I would sit on the arm of his favorite leather chair and prop my feet on the side of the bed.
“How are you, sweetheart?”
Yes; I am a daddy’s girl.
I nod as an answer most of the times. Others I would let out an excited noise that normally formed into a prompt for breakfast. Then there were the times I would shrug and smile weakly. Those were the times he would sit up and clear his throat.
That was when we would talk. For that mere hour I would find out more about myself than I ever would while I was alone.
Most of the times I don’t even know what I’m thinking.
These talks bring out the worst and the best in me. The worst in that I find all those insecurities I had hidden during day to day life, the best that I am a strong enough person to face these insecurities with intention to fix it. Knowing yourself is difficult, but it is the only way you can lead a true fulfilling life
To me, knowing yourself is as important to knowing how to walk. The more you understand what you want; the more you choices and decisions in life will benefit you. Knowing yourself is not like knowing what ice cream you prefer, although it is somewhat similar. Knowing yourself means knowing how you feel about eating the ice cream, or how remorseful you are after some delicious mint chocolate chip. If you have an acute awareness of your feelings, your deepest thoughts, you'd know how you react to scenarios in life. If only it was easier said than done.

A few of my weaknesses that first come to mind would be somewhere along the lines of lazy, slightly irresponsible, na├»ve, and oftentimes I’m unrealistic. All these things to me seem rather superficial to me. They stem from a deeper, broader weakness. All these things derive from, like every insecurity, a small doubt hidden in the folds of my self esteem. Oftentimes I don't put in effort because I can see myself failing. Leave things until the last minute because I can't see the point in doing them, especially if I wouldn't do well on it anyway.
My low self esteem in certain parts of my personality has a lot to do with past issues that I am always working towards getting over. Dealing with the idea of ‘what does it even matter’ is actually rather difficult. Oftentimes when I am thinking this it is hard to also say, ‘but let’s keep trying’. So, I set up in advance. If I’m up to it, which is definitely no that often, I do my homework early and when I am prepared to. I schedule out my day (which doesn’t work) and I try to have a positive attitude (see former). Obviously none of these attacks have been helping my weakness, seeing as I am typing this blog only an hour and a half before it is do. It doesn’t hurt to try though, right?

After a little bashing of myself, it is nice to think over my strengths; something I don’t tend to focus on. Thinking now, it is quite difficult to pick it out of all of my ‘faults’. I, like many people, am very hard on myself. After mulling over for a while I can definitely come up with something.
My curiosity and love for knowledge is my greatest strength. It sets me apart from others in such a way that I am in disbelief that someone could be interested in only one thing. Learning is a passion of mine and I am constantly finding how much I benefit from my thirst. I can relate to everyone from space nerds to sports fanatics. It gives me a limitless source of creativity in everything I do. It gives me a love for life that I often find unmatched among others.

Writing your thoughts on the subject of you is probably the most difficult thing to try and put into words. It has to do with acknowledging you as a whole, not just some abstract idea that interacts with other people. you don’t consider yourself to be a person the way you view the people around you. You praise and ridicule these people, but I don’t think you view yourself in the same way. Your views on yourself manifest into feelings and issues. When you think you look good one day you feel great. When an important flaw is pointed out in your skill set you feel awful and angry. These feelings are more difficult to find the roots to. Once you find where these feelings come from it is even more difficult to put them into words.